The Tihar tea party..

Link to my new blog on Times of India http://blogs.timesofindia.indiatimes.com/tiger-trail/entry/the-tihar-tea-party

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52 Responses to “The Tihar tea party..”

  1. Now before you put up the post let me imagine the scenes happening in Tihar Jail right now:

    Maddy, Kani Munni, Raja, Amar Prem are huddled around a desk in the courtyard.

    Maddy: Did you hear the latest news?

    Amar Prem: I am the latest news, what else?

    Kani Munni: Anna Hazare was here for two nights.

    Raja: Really? But he has nothing to worry. He is on a hunger strike.

    Amar Prem: So?

    Raja: He doesn’t have to worry about going to the toilet. If you eat nothing you do nothing.

    Maddy: We must do something about the toilets. I can’t stand it anymore.

    Kani Munni: Don’t stand in the toilet. Bad manners.

    Amar Prem: What happened to your memory loss idea?

    Maddy: It didn’t work. Chaps took me to AIIMS. I had to get my memory back quickly.

    Raja: What is AIIMS?

    Kani Munni: Its the official mortuary services. There are no doctors, only undertakers in white coats.

    Amar Prem, Maddy, Raja: We must do something.

    Kani Munni: I know what we can do.

    Amar Prem, Maddy, Raja: Tell, tell.

    Kani Munni: There is only one case of a high profile prisoner escaping from this jail alive. That was in 1986. We must get hold of that guy and find out how he did it.

    Amar Prem: Whats the name? I’ll find him even if he is in heaven or hell.

    Kani Munni: March 1986, Charles Shobraj escaped from this same jail in broad daylight.

    Raja: Yesssssssssssssssssssss……….

  2. Ha ha ha.. ridiculous Reader..phew…

    • Many more characters are waiting in the wings to enter this scene:

      Kiran Bedi (she was the Director General of Prisons during her tenure as a police officer. She changed Tihar into a ‘Correctional Center’ instead of a confinement for criminals.) Satyam Raju, Bellary Reddys, Maran, Jagan Reddy, P Chidamabram, Yeduriappa, Digvijay Singh, Baba Ramdev, Anna Hazare and some relatively less known characters from the industries.

      I’ll leave it to spontaneity after your post appears here.

      • Anand Khare Says:

        Eventually Kiran Bedi got corrected herself and got transferred.

        Anand

      • 🙂 Thats true. She was moved to the Traffic where she arrested a cabinet minister’s son. She went on to retire early and scripted her way to some internatoinal awards.

  3. Enter Kiran Beti, Anna Hammare and a constable.

    Anna Hammare: Hawaldar!

    Constable: Haan saab?!

    Anna Hammare: Yeh loag kaun hai maalum hai? (Do you know these people?)

    Constable: Haan saab. Public ka paisa chori kiya hai. (They have stolen public money)

    Anna Hammare: Goli maaro inko (Shoot them)

    [Constable fumbles with his rifle.]

    Anna Hammare: Kya hua?

    Constable: Banduk kaam nahin karta Saab. (Gun doesn’t work)

    Anna Hammare: Kyon?

    Constable: Imported hai Saab. Bofors ka gun hai.

    Anna Hammare: Kiran beti

    Kiran Beti: Ji Anna?

    Anna Hammare: Yeh bofors mein kaun kaun chori kiya?

    Kiran Beti: Usme sirf ek zinda hai, Anna ji

    Anna Hammare: Kya naam hai?

    Kiran Beti: Cockroachi

    Anna Hammare: Goli maaro usko.

    Kiran Beti: Woh to Italy mein hai.

    Anna Hammare: Toh uska India mein kaun hai?

    Kiran Beti: Sonio

    Anna Hammare: Hawaldar!

    Constable: Haan Saab?

    Anna Hammare: Sonio ko pakad ke lao.

    [To be continued…]

  4. [Enter constable holding the neck of Pee Shitambaron]

    Anna Hammare: Hawaldar, yeh jaun hai? (Who is this?)

    Constable: Sonio ne bheja. Uske badle mein. (Sonio has sent in her place)

    Anna Hammare: Tum kyon aaya idhar? (Why have you come?)

    Pee See: I’ve come to repair the toilets.

    Anna Hammare: Tumko aata hai? (Do you know how?)

    Pee See: Yes, Sir. My name is Pee Shitambaron.

    Anna Hammare: Achcha hai. Gud gud. Jao kaam karo. (Go do your work)

    [Exit Anna, enter Maddy, Raja, Kani Munni and Amar Prem. All for prostrate before Pee See]

    All: Hail, the almighty ruler of the dark worlds, our leader and inspiration, the Great Pee Shit.

    Pee See: Get up guys. I have a plan.

    All: Pee Shit Zindabad. Pee Shit aage badho, hum tumhare saath hai.

    [Fadeout]

    [To be continued…]

  5. [Curtain. Pee See, Maddy, Amar Prem, Raja and Kani Munni are sitting around the desk in the courtyard of Tihar]

    Pee See: Let me tell you the plan. You don’t have a choice. Just agree. Alright?

    Raja: We must vote on it. DMK is in majority here.

    Pee See: No voting on anything. This is a jail not the parliament.

    Kani Munni: Okay okay. Get on with it.

    Pee See: Good. Now listen.

    Amar Prem: Mind you Pee Pee, if I am trapped I’ll name all of you in the scandal.

    Pee See: You’ll do nothing of the kind. I’ll send you to AIIMS. And its Pee See not Pee pee.

    Amar Prem: Ah! I knew you’ll try to send me to the cornoers at AIIMS. But remember I have Jaya Prado waiting for a cue. She’ll do the courtseys for me.

    [Pee See looks peeved. Dials a number on his cell phone]

    Amar Prem: Phones are not allowed here.

    Pee See: This is a cell phone. Its allowed in jail cells.

    Amar Prem: Oh, okay.

    Pee See [on the phone]: Is this the US embassy? I am Pee See. Hello?.. No no.. my name is Pee See… can I speak to His Excellency?.. yes.. thank you.. its Pee for Pee, See for See.. yes… [Changes accent].. hiya ambie… ‘mornin’.. ‘mornin’…’mornin’… just ‘eard that Amar Prem ‘as got this lady Jaya Prado to hold info on us… e’now that?.. a’ready?.. oh ok… if you can.. Egad! No! not really?… why did you do that?… [cuts the phone and holds his head in his hands]

    Amar Prem: See?

    Pee See: What?

    Amar Prem: I mean do you see now? She is a good one. Better than ABCD.

    Pee See: You fool. The US consulate got a hold on it and its now with Julian Assange! We are sunk!

    Amar Prem: Egad! Dumb woman! I should never trust these actors.

    Pee See: Amar… You go to AIIMS…now!… Maddy, tell Asatya Raju to get him a room in AIIMS… Good bye Amar Prem… Rest in peace.

    [Exit Amar Prem sobbibg on Raja’s shoulders.]

    Pee See: Now friends… this is my plan… open your ears and listen carefully…

    [To be continued…]

  6. Pee See: Guys, there is no plan B for this one. So we must get this right first time.

    Maddy: What is a plan B?

    Pee See: Never mind. Now listen. Maran will be here any day.

    Kani Munni: How sweet.

    Pee See: He is a good lawyer. Disguises well.

    Kani Munni: I know

    Pee See: Now here is the process. This is a judicial custody. You can get bail only after a charge sheet is filed in the court.

    Maddy: Charge sheet! No way! Get my-name-is-Sheela here before that. She took the cream.

    Pee See: You want to get out of here or you want to get her in?

    Maddy: Hmmm.. good pint..

    Pee See: Eh?

    Maddy: I mean, good point… but get her inside for just one day.. I wish she’d see the condition of the toilets here…

    Pee See: What about them? They’re better than those you made for the CWG stadiums.

    Maddy: Yes. Exactly. My-name-is-sheela should see them.

    Kani Munni: And while we are on toilets, Maddy.. do us a favor… stop singing in the toilet… its very distracting…

    Pee See: Does he sing?

    Raja: Yes, this morning he was singing Amitabh Bachchan’s song.. Mere paas aao mere dosto ek kissa suno…

    Pee See: Maddy, be careful… you might spill the beans while singing

    Maddy: Oh dear… no one appreciates my talent…

    Kani Munni: We’ve seen your talent at the CWG. Prince Charlie was dazed.

    Pee See: Now friends, listen here… you’ll get your bail after the charge sheets are filed. After that you stay out of limelight till the next parliamentary elections are done and over. Get that?

    Kani Munni: What about our businesses?

    [To be continued…]

  7. Raja: Kani, thats the wrong angle. Pee See can’t get have the cake and eat it too. Pee, you are in this all the way.

    Pee See: Me? I am on the way. But not the way you think. I am on the way out.

    Raja: Who recorded the Nira radio tapes and gave it to the media?

    Pee See: You tell me. You were the telecom minister. Who would tap the phones of the telecom minister?

    Kani Munni: He has a point Raja. Someone tapped your phones and leaked them.

    Pee See: He did it himself, didn’t you?

    Raja: Why would I?

    Pee See: Because CIA Swamy’s petition against your scam was admitted for a hearing in the Chennai HC.

    Raja: I was just doing what was told to me.

    Pee See: Clever guy. You thought you could divert the attention from Anil Um-money to TATA-bye-bye.

    Raja: No. I wanted you guys to know that all of you were also involved. You let loose the leftist groups against me.

    Pee See: I didn’t. I wasn’t even in the ministry then. I’ve my own problems. Jaya Lolita is hounding me with my election. CIA Swami has unearthed my son’s accounts in Europe.

    Maddy: What about me? You got the CBI to raid my house in Pune!

    Pee See: Not me. Orders from the top.

    Maddy: Well. I’ll have you topless if you don’t get me out of this.

    [To be continued…]

  8. [contd/-…]

    Pee See: Peace my dear friends. This is no time for bickering. Lets resolve each issue one at a time. All in favor say aye.

    All: Hai Hai

    Pee See: I need to buy time. We must keep the people busy with other things. I’ll get the CBI, ED, IB, CID and the Lok Ayuktas to stir the state governments.

    Maddy: Not Congress governments.

    Pee See: Maddy, you have been in here for too long. There are no Congress state governments anymore.

    Maddy: Really? Get me outa here! I am missing all the action.

    Kani Munni: What about the media?

    Pee See: The BJP will take care of that. Advani has promised a rath yatra. BCCI is planning a cricket series. And the film industry will release 52 big budget movies in 3 months. that will keep the media occupied.

    Raja: What about the public?

    Pee See: We’ll raise the inflation. Raise food prices, fuel prices and generally keep them busy surviving. Women must sack their domestic help and the family will work 16 hours a day. Can even keep the blog-world quiet for some time.

    Kani Munni: Brillliant. Now what about this old man Annamalai?

    Pee See: Anna Hammare.

    Kani Munni: Yes.

    Pee See: Hmm…. that ones tricky. Doesn’t speak our lingo.

    Maddy: I am from Maharashtra. If I can make a suggestion.

    All: Yes, go on

    Maddy: Each one of us speak to him individually and plead for patience.

    Raja: Does he take money?

    Maddy: No

    Kani Munni: How about distribution rights for our next movie? My father has written the script and lyrics.

    Maddy [Shakes his head]: No, no. He is not that type.

    Pee See: I’ll send the CBI to his house.

    Maddy: What house? He lives in a temple under a banyan tree.

    Pee See: I’ll get Pranab Brokerjee to make a deal. He’ll threaten him with a service tax for public speaking.

    Maddy: No Pee. Won’t work. There is only one way. Each one if us speak to him and keep him busy. What say?

    [SIlence. Everyone thinking]

    Kani Munni: I think he is right.

    Maddy: See?

    Pee See: yes?

    Maddy: I mean see, Kani thinks I am good! May I sing a small couplet?

    All: No!

    Pee See: So thats fixed. Each one of us takes one day out to meet Anna. There 500 Ministers in the parliament. Plus another 500 in the state assemblies, and BCCI, Indian Hockey Federaion, State Lok Ayukta etc. We can keep him busy till 2014.

    Maddy: Cool. Who goes first?

    All: You!

    Kani Munni: Its your idea!

    Maddy: Okay. Hold the fort for me. And keep some first-aiders on standby.

    [Exit Maddy]

    [To be continued.. coming up next Maddy meets Anna Hammare]

  9. [Enter Maddy. Anna Hammare and Kiran Beti are sitting on the floor. Kiran Beti is recording Anna’s gestures on her mobile phone recorder]

    Anna: Kya karr rahi ho beti? (What are you doing?)

    Kiran Beti: I am recording your actions for posterity.

    Anna: Main machchar maar rahan hun. Iss jail mein machchar bahot hai. (I am killing mosquitoes. Too many mosquitoes here!)

    Kiran Beti: Wow! What a moment! Anna Hammare kills mosquitoe in Tihar! August 2011. The beginning of the new freedom struggle.

    Maddy: Excuse me!

    Anna: Kaun hai? (Who are you?)

    Maddy: Anna, mi Suresh Maddy, Punyacha. (Anna, I am Suresh Maddy, from Pune)

    Anna: Mahit ahey malaa! Kasla Punyacha? Paapi naalayak undir! (I know. What punya (good deeds)? You are a sinner you undeserving rat!)

    Maddy: Anna, bhul chuk maaf kara. Maanus ahey! Chukicha putala! (Anna, forgive the lapses and mistakes. After all human beings are epitomes of errors!)

    Anna: Kiran beti

    Kiran Beti: Yes, Anna?

    Anna: Zara tumhari service pistol lana. Get me your service pistol.

    [Exit Kiran Beti]

    Maddy: Errr.. Anna, mi chalto. Jara urgent kaam aathavale! (Err.. Anna, I must leave. Remembered some urgent work!)

    [Gunshots are heard in the background. Maddy leaps two feet in the air and whizzes out of the room]

    [Enter Kiran Beti, pistol in one hand, shooting in the air]

    [Curtain]

    [To be continued…]

    • ha ha ha.. wow. I wish to send a copy of this transcript to Tihar.

      • Many superstars are still to make their appearance. Baba Ramdev (The secular Hindu), Digvijay Singh (Feelings of minorities are hurt because Anna is a bachelor), Barkha Dutt (Burkha Butt whose tapes triggered the media event of 2G), Mayawati (Chartered plane shopping for shoes), Julian Assange (Leaky wicks), Arundhati Roy (Anna’s movement is sponsored by the World Bank), Swami Agnivesh (I was talking to Kapil Dev not Kapil Sibal)… and so many more…

  10. I am traveling to the desert interiors for today and tomorrow to cascade the Deepwater Horizon report which was released two days ago.

    Shall be on and off most part of the day. Facilitation workshops are a pain in the neck.

  11. Somethings are just designed to happen.

    I am writing from the casualty ward of my company’s clinic. Under observation.

    Damn!

    Missed the flight this morning and called for a vehicle to go by road.

    Vehicle, a Landcruiser Prado, driven by a hare-brained mechanical engineer, rolled over and cart-wheeled 360 degrees near the cross-over bridge at the interchange.

    I came out all dazed and bruised. The driver is in the police station. Another co-passenger, Salim Ansari, has suffered internal injuries in the spinal cord; he is disoriented and its impossible to decipher what he is saying.

    My mobile phone is damaged beyond repair. I have recovered the SIM card. But all the phone numbers are in the handset. So I have to wait for anyone to call me and save the numbers again.

    Meanwhile some good passers by stopped and helped us out. Someone called the traffic police and ambulance. And now I am here in the clinic being stared at by cute nurses.

    Somethings are just designed to happen. Ordained, so-to-speak.

    I have just recovered from a surgery in the right eye last week. the stitches are still dissolving. And now this.

    The guy who took my ECG jjust now is repulsive. He looks at me with such sadness as if expecting me to make a dying confession or something.

    The lady who took my pulse and BP is good. I am sure I can tell you her name and phone number by evening.

    In short, the whole program for the next few days is jeopardized. Hurry burry makes bad curry.

    I need to get something to read.

    Be here soon…

    • Reader,

      Thank God you are okay!

      How did you miss the flight? If you needed a wakeup call, you should have said so, na?

      Your number is not reachable. Call me if possible. And no, I don’t want the lady’s name and number. I just want to know how you are.

      Tc,

      Aish.

    • Jesus Reader! Heavens, I am sorry, I just logged in now.. how are you now??

  12. Back to base. I am okay. The doctor has put me on a nominal dose of diclofenac sodium (50 mg) for 3 days. Incidentally this is the 3rd week in the last two months I am on a diet of diclo-para. Seems like just one of those seasons.

    I have discovered some new muscles in my right arm. Something that I didn’t know existed till this accident. And the left leg is creaking at the hinges. Otherwise everything is okay.

    I cannot drive with one hand at least for today. My cell phone is broken. I have the SIM card but the phone numbers are in the address book of the handset. One of my friends has taken it to the local dilbert for recovering the data. I am using his blackberry till then. (He has set a wierd ring tone, something that has a child crying for a change of diapers. But I don’t want to fiddle with it. Its not mine.)

    • Aish,

      The combiflam was an alternative. I think I took an overdose! I took both!

      Shall check with the my company’s Munnabhai MBBS today!

      • And of the other two, the driver is now okay. He’ll be discharged today.

        The other one is with the neuro. Some complications in the cervical area. I think his neck hit the roof of the car when it flipped.

      • Please take rest and give the shoulder a break. Figuratively.

        My sympathies with Munnabhai. Patient sunta ich nahi!

      • Just back. The pain is unbearable once the effect of the tablet subsides.

        Its my throwing arm, the right hand. I think its lost its bearings at the shoulder plates.

        I remember I once threw Ashwini in the water when we were in the bund garden rowing pool in Pune. She was hanging on the right arm like Nargis on Raj Kapoors in the famous RK films logo style. As she swung over the edge of the boat I let go…

        I couldn’t save her ofcourse. She was a better swimmer than I am.

        I hope the hand recovers soon. Munnabhai says it may be two weeks before I can lift anything heavier than an infant.

      • I hope it recovers soon too.

        I am just wondering if I should then issue a word of caution to unsuspecting ladies by the pool to brush up their swimming skills…

        Kidding…

        🙂

      • That incident describes my entire story with Ashwini. She swung, I let go and she swam across to the shores. I was left alone on a rocking boat! 🙂

      • Some things are just designed to happen…you believe?

      • I say that only when my life depends on professional doctors! 😛

      • New post is out..

      • Bush in the Tihar circus! This one is going to be a cakewalk! 🙂

  13. Too sedated right now to write anything insensible.

    I’ll put up some songs before calling it an early day….

  14. This is the safest means of transport. I should try this in Muscat.

  15. Or may be this, if I cam get some from Muddumalai…

  16. And now I must fade out… I don’t care if I don’t wake up…

    • Take care, Reader. And do wake up to further adventures.

      • Here I am and back. Don’t go by what I write at the end of the day. And those film clips.

        Comments and blogs written at the end of the day are usually tired absent minded expressions, like the confessions of a dying man…

        Where the head is held high, and the mind is without fear… and, in my case, largely melodramatic!

        In fact the best time for me to write anything is first thing in the morning! Lot of latent energy and ideas!

  17. Is there something called rigor-mortis of live parts? My right hand has become wooden and stiff, not allowing any movement!

    Man proposes God disposes.

    I proposed no exercise for me except for the fingers on the keyboard… God has his own ideas, He is putting my muscles through the grind anyhow!

    He sure is having a tough time finding new ways for me against my will!

    Sharmila,

    What happened to the new blog post?

    • I think you should be resting it out Reader. Take care. Yes, soon, the words shall flow,like a meandering river into the open sea, eagerly welcomed by lashing waves..

      • Sharmila,

        The simile is not out of place. Long ago, when you wrote your first post for the TOI, I had written a metaphorical comment about the Ganges springing out of the Himalayas and eventually disappearing in the Bay of Bengal.

        You have come a long way since that day. The hot spring is now a vast river serving the great eastern plains.

        But hey, the show must go on.

        Hope you’ll write separately for this space, even if those are only budding ideas or limericks! 1000 words for TOI if you wish, but at least 8 different lines for this space.

        After all this pitch is your homeground! 🙂

      • ha ha.. YOU BET.. the party may disperse else.. get well soon!

  18. Hello everyone! Good to see you all after a long gap 🙂

    • Hi Murali!

      • Hi Aishwarya!
        Two months back, on a rainy monsoon evening I visited TVM. Had food at the Indian coffee house near bus stand & visited Sree Padmanabhaswamy Temple. Awestruck by Vishnu’s Anananthasayanam posture. Totally love it. The energy level in sanctum sanctorum is divine. Also I liked the mural paintings there.

      • Glad you enjoyed the trip. The image of the deity is unforgettable… Magnificent and serene…in all splendor.

        The Coffee House built by Laurie Baker is queer, I suspect the food nowadays is too. 🙂

      • Aishwarya,
        You are right! Food was tasteless. The only reason I went there was brand name. I use to frequent to Indian Coffee house during my official trip to Pondycherry. They serve good South Indian tiffin there. But TVM branch lacks taste & service. Nevertheless, as my main agenda was temple, so food doesn’t matter.

    • Hi Murali,

      Its been almost 3 months and two weeks.

      I left on the day Baba Ramdev re-entered Delhi after the police orders to stay out lapsed. He went to all the TV channels that day to defend his positions.

      Around the same time, Pranab Mukherjee got the enforcement directorate to work on the accounts of Amar Singh and Amitabh Bachchan. Both of them quickly resigned from each others boards and swapped their holdings.

      In today’s information era, if anyone is out of circulation for even a few hours, he becomes an alien! The scenes change by the hour!

      So many things happened in just 3 months!

    • Welcome back my friend..

  19. A wonderful blog post by my favorite American humorist, Scott Adams:

    The other day I put on my workout clothes and drove to the gym. But when I arrived I didn’t feel like working out. This was not a huge surprise, since I didn’t feel peppy before I even laced up my running shoes. Perhaps I hadn’t gotten enough sleep that week. I wasn’t sure what the problem was. I ate lunch in the snack bar then drove home and took a nap.

    Question: Did I fail at my exercise goal?

    Your answer will say a lot about you. But I’ll warn you that it’s a trick question. The trick is that I didn’t have an exercise goal in the first place, so I couldn’t have failed to reach it. What I do have is an exercise system, and I was completely successful at the system. My philosophy is that losers have goals and winners have systems.

    In this case, my system is that I attempt to exercise five times a week around lunchtime. And I always allow myself the option of driving to the gym then turning around and going home. What I’ve discovered is that the routine of preparing to exercise usually inspires me to go through with it even if I didn’t start out in the mood. This particular day, my body wasn’t going to cooperate. No problem. The system of attempting to exercise worked as planned. I didn’t have a trace of guilt about driving home. I’ve used this system for my entire adult life. I see exercise as a lifestyle, not an objective.

    If I had a goal instead of a system, I would have failed that day. And I would have felt like a loser. That can’t be good for motivation. That failure might be enough to prevent me from going to the gym the next time I don’t feel 100%, just to avoid the risk of another failure.

    A week after graduating college, I took my first flight in an airplane. I got in a conversation with a businessman in the seat next to me. He was CEO of a company that made aircraft screws. He told me that his career system involved a continuous search for a better job. No matter how much he liked his current job, he always interviewed for better ones. I assume he failed to get most of the jobs he interviewed for, but over time his system worked, and he became a CEO. My own system at the time involved listening carefully to the advice of anyone who was successful. I adopted the CEO’s system in my own career, moving to higher paying jobs about once per year until I started drawing Dilbert (while continuing my day job).

    If I were to summarize the CEO’s advice, it went something like this: Your job isn’t to do your job. Your job is to get a better job. That’s a system, not a goal.

    Scott Adams

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